Of Wits, Wills and Wabbits
by Metropolis Kid
Summary: Short two-shot: After taking a wrong turn at Albuquerque, Bugs finds himself in Forks, Washington. Now the bunny must win a battle of wits and wills, against a very strange vampire, if he is to survive. Pretty lighthearted overall. Well, hope you enjoy.
1. Should Have Taken That Left Turn

**Of Wits, Wills and Wabbits.**

**Disclaimer: **I don't own any material contained within this story. All copyrighted content remains the property of the person, people, or organization that holds the copyright. This story is solely for fun.

**Chapter One:**

**Should Have Taken That Left Turn at Albuquerque.**

**AN:** I've never read the books and am only vaguely familiar with the Twilight series. So please forgive me if Edward is OOC. If anything strikes you as terribly out of character, please inform me (**nicely**); and if I can change it without spoiling the gags or ruining the story, I will... just so long as I still have this in my document manger tab. Well, I think that's everything... Wish me luck ;)

The last rays of twilight were just starting to vanish beneath the horizon when a little furrow appeared in the middle of the forest and a very strange looking creature popped his head out of the recently dug hole. The creature had long ears on the top of his head, whiskers, a stubby little nose and bore a striking resemblance to a hare. However, he was much larger than your garden variety 'bunny'; and as he emerged from the hole, he stood on his two hind legs, using the front ones as arms.

The creature looked around and raised one of his eyebrows. Something didn't seem right. He scratched his head and commented, "Funny, this don't look like Las Vegas."

Then he heard some strained puffing and looked down to find a turtle 'running' as fast as it could. The creature leaned down over the turtle and asked, "Er... excuse me, but could you tell me how far to the casinos?"

In between pants, the turtle replied in a drowsy drawl. "Duh... there's no casinos in Forks."

"Forks?" the creature asked.

"Forks, Washington," the turtle responded.

"Forks, Washington!" the creature exclaimed. "Drat, I knew I shoulda taken that left toin at Albukoikee." The creature thanked the turtle, pulled a large map out of a pocket (which had apparently been sown into his fur) and laid down on the ground, attempting to find the best route to get from Forks, Washington to Las Vegas, Nevada.

"Duh... What are you doing? You can't just lie there. The sun's already set. The Cullens will be coming soon."

"Cullens?"

"Horrible, monsters. Every night they emerge, chase down us animals, sink their teeth into our necks and drink our blood! You need to find a hiding spot before they come."

"Er, I'm not afraid of no urban legends," the creature replied with a dismissive wave.

"Suit yourself, bub... It's your funeral," the turtle said just as the last hint of sunlight vanished, and the darkness of night fell upon the forest.

There was a distant sound, like a strangled scream; and then the ground shook with the force of a small earthquake as a pack of various animals ran by the creature and the turtle. All the animals released the same frightened cry, "The Cullens are coming! The Cullens are coming!"

And as they passed, the turtle was kicked up, into the air. For a moment he spun around like a top, and then he finally fell into the hole that the strange creature had emerged from... not that the turtle seemed to mind. The hole was as good a hiding spot as any other that he could've reached in the little time he had left.

But the creature, that had emerged from the hole, just continued to scrutinize his map and munch down on a carrot. He was sure that the other animals were over reacting. After all, the 'monsters' the turtle had described sounded like vampires, and who'd ever heard of a vampire that preyed on animals?

* * *

Edward ran through the forest, chasing after the fleeing animals and quite surrendering himself to the thrill of the hunt. It wasn't until he entered a small clearing and found a strange looking animal apparently studying a map, that the Cullen snapped out of his savage mindset. '_How utterly ridiculous!'_ Edward thought as he stared at the strange creature. _'Who'd ever heard of an animal that could read a map?'_ Still, it was a curious sight, so Edward approached more slowly than usual.

The creature must have heard the vampire coming, for it looked up, locked eyes with him and asked, "Er... What's up, Doc?"

Edward stopped dead in his tracks, and his eyes went wide. Had... had that strange looking creature just spoken? Spoken English?! No. That... that was impossible... wasn't it? Edward knew that animals were smarter than people gave them credit for. He knew that they were intelligent and even had their own language, for communicating with each other. Of course, he didn't tell any of this to the other Cullens. After all, they needed to be able to eat **something**; and Edward was fairly certain that if Carlisle were to ever discover just how... 'human' animals were, he'd try to turn his family into **real** vegetarian vampires... or maybe restrict them to feeding off bugs next.

But Edward didn't feel that he needed to worry about such things. He was the only Cullen who could read minds, and without that ability, no one else would discover what the animals were really like. That was, Edward suddenly realized, unless this new, English speaking creature spilled the beans. Oh no, he couldn't let that happen... He just couldn't. The Cullens, the insect eating vampires? They'd be the laughing stock of the Amazon, Denali, Egyptian, Irish, Olympic, Romanian, and Volturi clans! He had to end this creature immediately!

The vampire was just about to pounce when he thought of something that made him check his action. What if there were more? So Edward decided to peer into the creature's mind before chowing down on him. However, this proved more difficult than the vampire had expected. The creature must've had just as 'private' a mind as his own wife did. Well, that was just great. It meant that Edward would have to try to find out what he wanted to know the old fashioned way.

"Oh, I'm not a doctor- though my father is... Tell me, where did you learn to speak English, Mr?"

"The name's Bunny... Bugs Bunny," the creature replied, doing his best impersonation of Sean Connery. Then Bugs dropped the impersonation, and his voice return to normal. "And, Er... where I come from, we can all speak English." He shrugged as if it was no big deal.

"Oh, really? And... where might that be?" Edward asked.

"The center of the Earth," Bugs answered, again shrugging as if living in the center of the Earth was a completely normal, plausible thing.

"Yeah, right," Edward scoffed sarcastically, "and I'm a Romanian prince."

Bugs stood up, obviously offended. "Listen, Mac, you asked the question. Don't blame me if you don't like the answer."

"Look, Bunny. Contrary to what Jules Verne wrote, the center of the Earth is a solid iron core, surrounded by molten iron and nickel- not a tropical oasis capable of supporting life."

"Oh really? And when was the last time **you** were there?" Bugs asked.

"Didn't you hear what I just said? It's surrounded by **molten** iron and nickel. Even without taking the immense pressure into consideration, you... you just can't **go there**! You'd never survive!"

"Yeah, says you." Bugs replied.

And Edward had had enough. Obviously the 'rabbit' was just a complete looney. And since the creature wasn't giving him any useful information, the vampire decided to just kill him, drink his blood and be done with it. Edward hissed and dove at Bugs.

But fortunately, the rabbit saw the vampire coming. Bugs let out a sharp yelp and then, instantly, vanished into the brown dirt.

Edward stopped and stared quizzically at the new hole. It... it just didn't make sense. No creature alive could've dug it that fast. Not even another vampire could've dug it **that **fast. And what was even stranger was that the rabbit hadn't seemed to have dug it at all. It... It had just appeared underneath him, and he'd vanished into it.

As Edward continued staring, a form came up behind him. "Er... whatcha looking at, Mac?"

The vampire was still so stunned by the rabbit's disappearance that his brain didn't register the fact that he sensed nothing from the mind of the one behind him. So, not realizing who was talking, Edward simply answered the question. "A wascally wabbit went down that hole, and I'm trying to figure out how he did it," Edward replied, briefly wondering why he'd referred to Bugs as a 'wascally wabbit'. The vampire had never had a speech impediment before.

"Oh really?" The voice behind him questioned. "And did he have long ears, like these?" Bugs asked as he held out his ears.

"Ahuh." Edward replied and nodded, only just starting to come out of his daze. "Hey, wait a minute."

Then the rabbit turned around, displaying his tail and continued, "And a fluffy little tail, like thi-" Bugs' question ended in a strangling sound as Edward clamped his hands down on the rabbit's neck.

"Do you take me for a fool?!" The vampire roared as he choked the rabbit, flinging his body back and forth so that his head jerked like a bobble-head novelty toy.

And for a moment it looked as if the Warner Brother's corporation would have to find itself a new mascot. However, much to Daffy's chagrin, a somewhat pale looking woman entered the clearing; and Edward ceased his brutal strangling, though he did still keep his hands locked around Bugs' neck.

"Oh, Edward, there you are? I've been looking for you."

"Bella! Ah, greetings!" Edward exclaimed, so startled by his wife's sudden appearance that he **almost **forgot to be his usual, former and proper self.

"Uh... what are you doing to that strange looking creature?" Bella asked as she noticed Bugs.

"Oh, nothing. I'm just... just getting ready for dinner."

"But... but it looks like you're choking him?"

"H-help me, please." Bugs managed to, very quietly, whine.

Bella's eyes went wide. "Did... did that funny looking animal just talk?" She asked.

Edward quickly hid the rabbit behind his back. "Bella, don't be ridiculous," the vampire husband attempted to lie smoothly. "You know animals can't talk."

Defying the normal laws of physics, Bugs somehow managed to pull a small, hand-held blowtorch from his pocket. He quickly ignited it; and, just as his world was starting to fade into blackness, the rabbit held the blue flame up to one of Edward's hands.

"Ah!" The vampire screamed, after a brief moment, and reflexively released his grip on the rabbit. Bugs took full advantage of this reprieve. He dove back into the brown dirt just as Bella started running to Edward's side.

"Oh, darling, are you okay? What... what happened?" The wife asked worriedly as she cupped her husband's hands.

"I'm fine," Edward replied. "But I think that wascally wabbit burned me," he continued, sounding indignant.

Bella raised an eyebrow. "Are... are you sure you're okay?"

"I said I'm fine!" Edward growled as he thought of the terrible things he was going to do to that rabbit once he caught it again.

And in a borrow, deep underground, Bugs Bunny rubbed his aching neck. Then he turned his head, looking at the wall of brown dirt as if he could see right through it. "Of course you realize, this means **war!**" The rabbit spoke to the wall... almost as if there was some kind of an audience watching him from the other side.

(Well, what did you think of the first chapter? Please review and let me know if you liked it, thanks. I'm planing on one more and hoping to have it up within a few days... It will likely be wackier than this one. LoL

Have a good day, and God bless.

Metropolis Kid.)


	2. Of Course you Realize, this Means war!

**Chapter Two:**

**Of Course you Realize, this Means war!**

**AN:** I'd like to give a special thanks to Lila (Lion in the Land) for pointing out the biggest goofs I made with Edward in the first chapter. I'm afraid I don't know much about the Twilight series, and her information gave me the ability to make Edward more IC last chapter. I really appreciate all of her help. :) … Of course, I take full responsibility for any errors that may still exist with his characterization. ;)

The rabbit dug; he burrowed his way deep into the city of Forks, Washington. There he found a costume supply store. And after somehow managing to tunnel up through the building's foundation and appearing within, Bugs looked around at all the outfits. The rabbit raised and lowered his eyebrows mischievously.

Bugs cobbled together two costumes that he thought would suit his purposes perfectly, and then the rabbit made his way back to the forest. He tracked down Edward Cullen, which actually wasn't very hard to do since the other animals had kept track of the vampire's movements and were only too happy to point Bugs in the right direction.

When Bugs located the vampire, the bunny silently popped out of the ground. He dressed himself in a 'penguin' suit and donned a long black opera cape. The rabbit rolled his long ears back and tucked the ends down behind his cape. And, finally, the creature stuck a set of false teeth in his mouth. Bugs snickered slightly.

* * *

Edward was feeling depressed as he sat on a large tree stump. The 'wascally wabbit' was still out there... somewhere. And despite the vampire's best efforts, he hadn't found hide... nor 'hare' of the strange creature. That bunny was going to spoil everything. They'd all be eating insects by the end of the week, he was sure of it.

It was then, while Edward was wallowing in self pity, that an unmistakable figure crept up behind the sulking vampire. It loomed over him, casting an ominous shadow in the pale moonlight. Edward was shocked as he noticed the shadow. The vampire quickly spun around and exclaimed, "Count Dracula!"

There was a sudden flash of lightning and a crash of thunder. Bugs grabbed the right side of his cape and pulled it in front of the lower half of his body. "Blah... Yes, it is I, Count Dracula," the rabbit said imitating the tone he'd heard from old, vampire horror flicks. "And word has reached me, in Transylvania, that you... American vampires have been lax in your duties. Blah."

Edward tried to sound brave as he stood up and asked, "And what duties might those be?" His tone was defiant, but he couldn't keep his voice from cracking. Being confronted by the No-Life King was a scary thing, even for another vampire... even a snobbish one like Edward.

"I hear you've been preying on animals. Are you really so weak that you can not catch a human or so utterly repulsive to them that, failing to catch one, seducing them is also beyond your means?"

"Certainly not." Edward looked insulted. "We are faster than them, stronger than them. And as far as seduction goes, with my voice alone, I could bring any woman to her knees," the Cullen boasted with pride.

"Indeed?" the 'Count' replied, sounding unconvinced. "Then **why** have you been preying on animals?"

Edward seemed somewhat taken off guard by the question. "Be-because, feeding off humans is... It's wrong."

"W-w-wrong?!" the Count shouted, his tone both furious and insulting. "You are a vampire. You are **suppose** **to** feed off humans. Hasn't anyone ever explained the food-chain to you? Animals eat plants. Humans eat animals. Vampires eat humans... and a few of the more ancient nosferatu eat the younger vampires," the Count commented, and licked his fangs suggestively at the last part.

"Now, if vampires start going around eating animals it upsets the balance of everything. Then who's going to keep the human population in check? They'll run rampant and then, do to the fact that they're now sharing their own food supply with vampires, famine will spread across the land. They'll be a war between humans and vampires, a war such as has not been seen in a millennium. And we will be forced to destroy them.... or they will be forced to destroy us. And then what happens? Even if we win, we lose. Vampires can't reproduce sexually... at least not under normal circumstances. Without the humans, we will eventually wither and die out. And it will all come about because the members of some foolish, American clan decided that they knew better than the vampire elders who drafted our code!!!" the Count shouted and was now slowly advancing on the Cullen.

Edward, subconsciously backed away. "I-I never th-thought about that," he stammered as the Count drew ever closer.

"That is because you are a fool... a fool, from a family of fools. I should just eat you all now and be done with it," the Count replied as Edward's back collided with a tree; and the Cullen looked as if he might wet himself. "However," the Count continued after a brief pause, "I would just as soon not have your idiotic voices swimming through my mind. So... I will give you one last chance. Go back to your family. Convince them to leave the animals alone. Straighten yourselves out before I am forced to solve the problem myself." The Count growled before finishing, "Do I make myself clear?"

And Edward, dumbly nodded his head. The Count turned back. He started to walk away, grumbling to himself about how disgusting and unworthy the knew generation of vampires were; and Edward breathed a sigh of relief. And that... that was when one of Bugs' ears came loose and sprang up.

Edward's eyes widened briefly and then narrowed into little slivers. "**You!!!**" he growled in anger, at having been made a fool of, and leapt at the rabbit.

"Yikes!" Bugs exclaimed and disappeared into the ground just as Edward was about to tackle him.

The Cullen rolled for a moment, and a grin spread over his face as he thought he'd finally caught the bunny. However, as Edward looked at what he was holding in his hand, he discovered that he'd succeeded only in snatching up the 'wascally wabbit's' Count Dracula disguise. "Ohhhhhhhhh!" he fumed. "Dat's da last straw," the normally calm, cool and collected vampire grumbled, too angered to even realize that his new speech impediment seemed to be getting worse. Throwing caution to the wind, Edward ran over and dove into Bugs' newest burrow.

But bugs was already a good distance away. The rabbit stood next to another opening in the ground and quickly changed into his second costume. He dressed himself in a tight, black dress, rolled up his long ears and covered them with a long, blonde wig. Then he made up his face until it bore, in his own opinion, a striking resemblance to a Glamor cover girl's.

"And now for the final touch," Bugs said as he pulled a bottle of perfume from his pocket. He just held the bottle up for a moment, almost as if displaying the label which read 'Odeur De Swan'. Then the rabbit began to spray himself.

* * *

Crawling through the tight underground tunnels, Edward couldn't see a thing. He was guided purely by his sense of smell, a sense that he used to track the 'wascally wabbit's' path through the underground labyrinth. "You can run, but you can't hide," the vampire said with conviction. "Sooner or later, I **will** find you," he asserted and took another deep breath. But this time Edward caught the scent of something other than the bunny he was chasing. He smelt a heavenly aroma, one he'd thought had been forever lost to him the day he turned Bella.

Entranced by this new aroma, Edward forgot about his search for Bugs, forgot about his marriage to Bella, forgot about everything else in the world. It all seemed to drift away from him, driven from his conscious mind by the only thing that seemed to matter... that scent- that heavenly, intoxicating, delicious scent. And he followed it; he would've follow it to the very ends of the earth if need be. However, such a long journey proved unnecessary.

Edward emerged from the ground a few moments later and found the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen standing next to the hole his head was sticking out of. "Well, hello, Stranger. Have you stopped by to visit little, old me?" The woman asked, and Edward nodded.

"Well then, hadn't you better come on up out of that hole and get yourself on over here?" Bugs cooed in his best imitation of a feminine, Southern accent; and Edward scrambled to obey.

When the vampire reached the 'girl', 'she' batted her eyes and continued, "It's my eighteenth birthday party, you know..." The girl paused and motioned towards a large cake... a large cake with eighteen, already lit, red candles. "Did you bring me a present?"

"Oh, I'll give you a present alright," Edward replied in a husky, suggestive voice.

"My, aren't you the cheeky one?" the girl asked as she pinched the vampire's cheek. She then laughed, and roughly smacked it.

"Hey!" Edward exclaimed and rubbed his red cheek. But the girl simply laughed again, like it was just a little teasing gesture. And Edward's anger seemed to vanish.

The girl reached down and cupped the vampire's face, slowly drawing it closer to hers. "Now, close your eyes, and I'll give you a big surprise," she whispered; and Edward did as she instructed.

Bugs then quickly released the vampire's face and dove into the ground again.

Edward, still having his eyes closed and not having seen the 'girl' leave, commented, "Okay, I'm ready for my surprise." As if on cue, the cake exploded with the force of eighteen sticks of TNT; and Edward's body parts went flying all over the place.

It took the vampire nearly fifteen minutes to pull himself back together again; and, by then, he knew that the bunny would be long gone once more. Frustrated and enraged, Edward looked up at the night sky and shouted. "Hey, Stephenie! I just got defeated by a wascally wabbit? What gives?! I thought we had an arrangement! Why are you doing this to me?! **Steeepppphhh**-"

* * *

The scene shifted to reveal a teenage, very pale looking, girl sitting at a writing desk. The girl had delicate features. A pillbox hat rested atop her head; and her, almost ghostly white, face was framed by long, raven locks of hair.

On the desk was an open manuscript for the latest Twilight novel; and the girl used the tip of her pencil to gently fold the older pages over the newer ones, silencing the drawn out scream that was flowing from the last page. Then she sat back and smiled for a moment.

But the smile quickly faded, and the girl's blue eyes flashed red as she turned to face a bound and gagged figure in the corner. "And now, to deal with you." The creature cooed, in a velvety... but very masculine sounding voice.

And Stephanie Meyer struggled against her bonds. "Hmmmphm," the Twilight authoress screamed into her gag as the girl slowly began to approach her.

"Now, now, what are you so worried about?" the 'teenage girl' asked as she dissolved into a mass of swirling shadows. "You've been writing vampire stories for years," a disembodied voice continued; and a seven foot, red clothed male, wearing a fedora hat, emerged from the shadows. "Just think of this as research for your next book," the creature finished as he towered over the helpless authoress.

* * *

Okay, I guess the very end got a little bit darker than I'd intended... But at least Alucard (Count Dracula, for those of you who aren't Hellsing fans) did imply that miss Meyers would survive the encounter, right? Well, now that it's over, what did you think? Did you enjoy it? Should I up the ratting to a 'T'? Please review and let me know. Thanks.

Have a good day, and God bless.

Metropolis Kid.


End file.
